What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 12:28
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So whats the point in blame.
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I waited trembling.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What is your juiciest sex story?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I’m running away I live in Indiana what states near by are safe I’m 12 no comments?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I said to her
What did i know ?
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot live in the past .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it wasn’t much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Put me off passion for life!!
She found it foreign!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
I think the readers, may guess!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was in good health!
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Comes on , in middle age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i do to all so called friends.?
He resisted the act ,that day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
My family never makes their pension either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
So, i spoilt her more .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I don,t even have a pension.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is soul school!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was seconnd youngest,
Ive learnt so much.